You Make Me Laugh

Bill Bryson is hysterical. Absolutely nuts and therefore his writing made me LOL. Literally, I laughed out loud. I'm sure my neighbors upstairs think I am some kind of maniac since they've undoubtedly heard me laughing loudly and uncontrollably for the past couple nights -- but I think we can consider it even since they continue to train clydesdales up there. Anyway, allow me to post a teensy excerpt (or 2 or 3) from his book "I'm a Stranger Here Myself":

From a chapter on funny statistics:
" Consider this intriguin fact: Almost 50,000 people in the U.S. are injured each year by pencils, pens, and other desk accessories. How do they do it? I have spent many long hours seated at desks where I would have greeted almost any kind of injury as a welcome diversion, but never once have I come close to achieving actual bodily harm."

"But the people I would really like to meet are the 142,000 hapless souls who received emergency room treatment for injuries inflicted by their clothing. What can they be suffering from? Compound pajama fracture? Sweatpants hematoma? I am powerless to speculate.

From a chapter on taxes:
"Complete Sections 47-52 first, then proceed to even-numbered sections and complete in reverse order. Do NOT use this form if your total pensions and annuities disbursements were greater than your advanced earned income credits OR vice versa."

"If you have any questions about filing,, or require assistance with your return, phone 1-800-BUSY-SIGNAL. Thank you and have a prosperous 1999. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $125,000 and a long walk to the cooler."

I found the chapter on taxes especially funny having just completed Tax 1A. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did, and I also hope you were not caught snickering inappropriately at your desk. If by chance you were, just read them the above passage, and I'll bet you'll get a raise. :)

Una Domanda

How do you tell your upstairs neighbor to please stop clydesdal-ing around at random hours when you've never actually spoken before?

This is hysterical

Courtesy of a fellow law student:

Should the Penis Get a Raise?

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
Reasons:
* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, The Penis.

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have
Raised, The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work eight hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative.
* You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management.

Life as a law student

Well, my life is not very exciting, and neither is any of my friends' at the moment. I would, however, like to say that it got all the way down to -2 degrees yesterday. *sniff

Hysterical

Every once in a while, someone says something to me that is so funny that I am still laughing at it several days later. The following is just such a line, enjoy!

"I have a perfect track record of never being a homewrecker, thankyouverymuch." says me.

"Yeah, but, I live in an apartment..." says my scandalous friend.

" ." my lack of response, because I'm laughing far too hard. What do you say to that anyway?

Inspired by my away message

I have a few questions:
1. why is there snow on the ground?
2. where are all the jobs hiding?
3. why is dieting unfun?
4. where can i find a pretty cuddlebuddy?

Answers would be greatly appreciated.