Ranting

***WARNING: The following contains language that may not be suitable for all audiences. Use caution if you have a nosy boss or co-worker that doesn't appreciate foul language.

I have become so fed up with people in my general vicinty that the bitterness was starting to permeate through my veins. I have reached my limit with today's society. People are just out and about, mouth-breathers who lack common sense – roaming free like it's their God-given right to simply exist and do as they please without any regard for society at large. Well, I'm tired of it. Tired, Tired, Tired, Tired, TIRED. But, since I cannot school each and every person that pisses me off each and every day, I decided to take it out on my blog by putting up a little post of instructions. Call it "pheebee's guide to being a decent human being." Before you even read it, I will confess that I am guilty of at least couple of these. The thing is, temporary violations are fine. It's permanent flagrant disregard of these that pisses me off. And with that little preamble, let's begin*.

1. Use a little common damn sense. It's free, and it makes the world a better place. If it would bother you – or a reasonable human being, then it's probably not something you should be doing. Mkay, pumpkin?

2. If you say you're going to call someone back, CALL THEM THE HELL BACK. It's quite simple really. That person is expecting your phone call because YOU said you'd call them back. Now, pick up your phone that I know is always on you, find that person's name, and hit dial/send/call.

3. Don't make up words when you're sending a text. I understand that there are certain abbreviations that are in today's lexicon that everyone understands (“u”, “c”, “ur”, “txt”, “thx” and so on.) But “dis sum bs. Wen r we goin 2 da park?” Is NOT an appropriate text to send if you have some general sense of spelling. I shouldn't have to sound out a damn text message to figure out what in the hell you're saying.

4. Pull up your pants. The 90s have ended. Sagging is out. And while I'm on the subject, stop holding your pants when you walk or run. And dumb chicks? Stop accepting this from the men you're dating. And don't tell me “if you don't like it, don't look at it.” Bitch, I wouldn't have to look at your raggedy ass boxer shorts if they weren't on display. Buy your own damn size pants and belt.

5. Yes you should follow the 90 day rule. Or at least the 9 day rule, damn. Sex is not that serious (But pheebee, you just haven't been doing it right). Shut the hell up. I said it's not that damn serious. Maybe if you weren't giving it up so damn easily men wouldn't be acting a fool now. And boys? That goes for you too. Yeah, we know you're SUCH a stud. Congratulations, you got a bunch of ho's to sleep with you. Oh wait, I'm not that impressed.

6. And while I'm on the subject of ho's. Stop being one. This goes for men AND women. No one likes an STD. And the more roulette you play, the more risk you're putting out there. But moreover to that, the spiritual karma that's being put into this world based on ill-advised sexual conquests are simply leading to unnecessary heartache, pain, and general confusion on the difference between lust and love. I don't give a damn what Jersey Shore (or any other media darling) says...sex is NOT a recreational sport.

7. If you are in the mood to get it on. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM. You know what? Only about 1% of so-called unplanned pregnancies are unplanned. The rest of them? You planned that shit when you didn't take proper birth control precautions. So you know what? Sucks to be you. Maybe next time you'll wrap it up.

8. If you do run about making babies, then guess what? Raise your damn kids. It's not cute when they're screaming their heads off, running amok, and generally being annoying to the rest of the public. I don't care how tired you are. You brought that little brat into the world, and turned him into a brat because you let him do whatever he wants. So now you have to deal with him. You know who didn't have a hand in that? Me. So do something about it.

9. Furthermore, if you were big and bad enough to bring kids into the world, then pay your damn child support. That is all.

10. If you drive a car. Get insurance. This is not difficult. If you can't afford the car note and the insurance payment, then you can't afford the damn car. Take that Escalade back and get a used Volvo from 1999. Because guess what. I already was unimpressed with your LEASED Escalade and I'm even less impressed when I have to expend the time, money and energy to sue your broke ass and garnish your wages when you hit my car.

11. Grow the hell up and try to do better than your parents. Can someone please explain to me why this isn't a given? I'm not saying pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, because only the ignorant privileged say silly shit like that. I am saying try. For example...when you're in school? Go to class. You have shit else to do. Or, how about this. When you have a job, go to work. Pay your bills – ON TIME. Don't spend your check at the casino. Send it to your landlord because you know what's more important than the slots? A fucking roof over your head.

12. Fellas: do some research on what a date is. And then do some discovery about what courtship is. And then engage in both. If one more dude asks me if I want to “kick it at his crib” when I just met him I am going to scream. And then I am going to say yes. When I get there, I am going to kick HIM in his nuts. I'm pretty sure that will be the last time I get asked that question.

13. Strive to be a part of and expand the Talented Tenth, rather than cutting your eyes at me because I made it into what I'm quickly becoming convinced is the Talented Twenty-Fifth. I'm not saying it was easy to get here, but damn. Try.

14. Manners cost nothing. Use them liberally.

15. Take your narrow behind to your place of worship. Yeah, I said it. Worship. I don't trust your sense of values and moral compass. Go somewhere where the ground rules have already been set. And don't give me this bullshit about “organized religion is out to get you.” You know what? Then find a different house of worship. No one is asking you to follow every single tenet from every single leader. I'm asking you to go somewhere where you'll feel accountable for your actions.

16. Read a damn book. Get a Kindle, a Nook, or how about this – A FUCKING LIBRARY CARD and read something. Anything. Expand your vocabulary. Hey, I didn't say you had to read Jane Eyre. Hell, you can read 50 Shades of Grey for all I care. Just read something.

17. Take your fat ass to the gym and stop eating all that crap. Or don't. Whatever you choose, stop complaining about the body you have and do the work to get the body you want. Most of us are in the same boat. We believe that people who are twitterpeated about living a “healthy lifestyle” are full of shit. You know what? They are. But they feel and look better than the rest of us so do what you can to get as close to that nonsense as possible. Or don't. But whatever you do, make sure it's a conscious decision.

18. If you are in a bitter or bitchy mood, that is totally acceptable. Sometimes you just have a day where you're pissed at the world. But do this...make sure it's not the same shit over and over again ad nauseum. Get the hell over it. A couple weeks, hell a couple months is fine. We all go through some things. But a couple years? Decades? You don't even remember what set you off at that point, and I sure as hell don't because it didn't happen to me. So get the hell over it and move on. Your ignorant silliness is starting to make everyone else miserable.

19. Don't piss on the person trying to help you and be nice to you. Yo. I get it. Sometimes cheeriness and helpfulness and positivity is just making a bad situation worse because you're in that place. But if you are constantly dicksmacking the person who is just trying to be nice, don't be surprised when that shit comes back to bite you. And yes, I meant every single bit of the double entendre there.

20. Don't litter and pick up after yourself. Guess what. “Lawn,” “sidewalk,” and “trash can” all have separate words and meanings because they are different things. Learn to put trash in a damn trash can and not just drop it out of your hand.

21. Control your damn dog. Not everyone thinks Fido is cute. I don't want your dogs paws all over me, and I damn sure don't want to hear all that barking. Turns out, not everyone is a dog person.

22. There are so many more, but I have to wrap it up with this one. Be grateful for the helping hand you get. But do NOT expect a handout just because you asked. You need to put in the work, just like the person you're begging. That person worked hard so they can enjoy their own shit. They didn't work their ass off to help you out.

Is that all? Hell no. But a rant can only go for so long in one post. Spread around at will. The more people that get these messages, the better off we all are.




*These are in no particular order, as they are all equally important.