More ideas

There is more than one way to please your mate. The important thing to remember is to actually try to do something nice for him or her. Because I think you should all be making your other significant one happy, I have a few more suggestions! (Who knows, maybe someone will get laid after doing one of these things, right? :P).

For the ladies: Ok guys. I've said it over and over and over and over again (ad nauseum). But, I'll say it again. The key to making your lady happy is doing something for her that will make her smile, NOT because she asked, but because you want to make her smile. But, just in case you need some help on what to do, here's a suggestion. Make her breakfast. Breakfast is the easiest meal to cook, and I'm totally confident that you can handle it. If you aren't a chef, keep it simple. Eggs, toast (or Eggo waffles, or pancakes -- depending on your level of culinary skillz), and your meat of choice (sausage, bacon, ham, turkey or vegetarian varieties of the same). Now, if you're feeling fancy -- and you want to make it extra special, bust out the champagne glasses. Make either mimosas (orange juice and champagne) or bellinis (peach nectar or peach juice, and champagne), or bloody marys (if that's her thang). Whether you serve it in bed or in the kitchen is up to you, her, or house rules. I'll leave that to you.

Ok, if you live together, this is obviously a lot easier. You just sneak out to the kitchen and wake her up with the smell of warm toast. But if you don't live together, then this is what you do. Call her the night or a couple nights before to plan it. But tell her you want to come over early to bring her a breakfast surprise, and that all she has to do is be adorable in her rubber duckie pajamas. Take all your own ingredients, and get your breakfast on. (Or, make a quick stop at IHOP or her fave brunch stop, and bring it on over).*

For the fellas: Ok ladies, we have to do things to remind the guys how lucky they are to have us. I've always said that it's unfair that there is no equivalent of flowers for guys. Most guys disagree, saying that there are all sorts of opportunities for a woman to buy something for her man...we just tend to make a big deal out of it. So, one suggestion is buying him a DVD of a movie you think he'd like...and that you can watch together. To get extra fancy, buy the DVD (hey! no gift wrap required!!), and bust out your grill (if you have one, your broiler or George Foreman if you don't). Girl, just take the plunge and make a steak and potatoes dinner. Yeah, we like the frou frou food, but sometimes a man needs what the Ninja used to call man food. Steak and potatoes, literally. Add in some asparagus and you are good to go. I'll leave the beverage of the evening up to you, since you know your guy better than I do (I hope).

So, I just gave you 1 good date night. What else can a significant other do?

*I wouldn't recommend just dropping by, but if you are dating the type of gal that's cool with the drop by, then go for it.

**Yes, I'm still raising money for the RHAMC. Click Here!

With Benefits

There comes a time in every gal's life when some guy asks her if he can get the benefit of the cookie* without all of the strings of a relationship attached. The circumstances of the question can range from a recent break-up; or he really likes her but doesn't want to ruin the friendship; or he's in town for a short period, but doesn't live wherever the gal is. Whatever the reason, the basic parameters are the same. This is a situation which has been mocked in television and movies ad nauseum. Usually, chick flicks result in the couple getting together. Whatever.

My question is about real life. I wonder if these arrangements ever really work out. I have female friends who claim that they can totally get down with the get down without emotional attachment. Other women say that there is no cookie without emotional connections.

More than one person has claimed that the cookie is always better when baked with love. Which leads to the question -- given that a woman's enjoyment of the cookie is generally less likely, and it's always better with love, why on earth would any woman agree to the friends with benefits arrangement? It is my contention that it is never hard for a woman to find a partner. (Seriously ladies. Go outside. Throw a rock. Ask that dude you hit if he wants to get it on. The end). So it can't be that the woman is hard-up for cookies. Assuming that it isn't a man that she's baked** with before, then it's unchartered territory, and no guarantee that it'll be delicious. (And, is there anything more delicious than really good cookies?)

Given all of those factors, maybe it is true that women can disconnect. Because otherwise, what's in it for her? I'd like to believe that it is the minority of women who believe that they can turn this friends with benefits arrangement into a real relationship. Just for those ladies, allow me to give you this tidbit from the Engineer (a former friend of mine): you can't turn a burger dinner into a filet mignon. Once you've set the tone, it is what it is. Ok? Kthxbye.



*For definition of the cookie, see Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey.

**Now I'm just amused by the several code words I'm using

To refrain....

Recently, I've been on a tour of my dating history (through no fault of my own, mind you). I've enjoyed this little jaunt through my past dating lives, although I would like to know what caused all the boys to come out of the woodwork.

For the most part, they haven't really said anything particularly groundbreaking. There's been a lot of buttering up -- reminding me of how good he was at cooking (Astro); disparaging "the new guy" for not hooking up my surround sound (Titan); telling me he admitted to his friend that he messed up our relationship (the young blood from the southside*). But, the most interesting conversations have been those that I like to call: "Why We Broke Up: A Recap" or "Were We Even In the Same Relationship?!!". It never ceases to amaze me just how clueless a guy can be as to why a relationship ended. Especially when the girl does the ending. Part of me believes that the arrogance of (some) guys won't let them believe that the break-up was their fault. Part of me believes that (some) guys just aren't listening. That auditory fail then results in shock and surprise when the relationship is over. *Shrug*. Either way, the results are the same. I end up spending a couple hours of my life explaining the real reason why relationships end.

There are times when these conversations can be somewhat enlightening. The latest example of this is my conversation with the Titan. He has more or less been in complete denial about the nature of our "relationship" (a term I use loosely) and the reason for its demise. I've been told that it was over on his end because I wanted a boyfriend and he wasn't ready to do that; or it ended because I thought I was just a side-piece; or that it didn't work out because I never gave him a fair chance. The list goes on. It's taken 2 years, but we've finally gotten down to the bottom of why it was over. For the record, my official stance is that it ended because he wanted to keep his options open, and I was done "kickin' it." Last week, he said that he couldn't get serious because the "hot spice" (his words, I swear!!) is an important part of a relationship, and since I wasn't giving it up, he wasn't ready to go all in. I let him know that I'm positive this isn't the first time a relationship of mine has ended for this reason, but he's definitely the first to admit it. He hastily backpedaled and said that he thought it was a good thing "that you're doing" and he understands it. (No guy wants to be known as the guy who broke up with a girl because she wouldn't give it up when he asked). But....(and there's always a but)...he just couldn't do it. He could see himself marrying me (huh?); we always have fun together (we do?); we never run out of things to talk about (say what?); and on and on and on. But, he just couldn't go all in without knowing. So... his solution? Let me share it: "is there anyway there could be a loophole? Say, once or twice a month?" For real. That was it. PAH HAHAHAHAHAHA. And this is the part where I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. Ok listen, I know that the hot spice is important. And, I've had that conversation a thousand times. But dude, the whole point of abstaining is that you're abstaining. If you indulge every once in a while, you are no longer abstaining. You're participating.

I also know that I'm in the extreme minority on this issue. (Btw, I'm dancing around the phrasing so this post will remain suitable for work -- and because pheebee's Ma reads the blog. Hi Ma!!!!). But, there are several reasons for me to be waiting. Rather than typing it, I will let someone far more articulate explain it:



And so, I will wait. Alone, apparently.

*Suggestions on a shorthand for that handle are welcome!!

Cater 2 U

I frequently wax poetic about what a woman wants, in an effort to help men give their women more romance in their lives. But I rarely consider what a man wants. Let's operate under the theory that a happy man is more likely to romance a woman. So, how often do women think about making a man happy? Rarely. I suspect that's because most of us women secretly think that men are idiots and/or all they want is sex. Which is probably mostly true (I kid, I kid), but that doesn't mean the simple creatures don't deserve happiness, right? I mean, you throw your dog a bone every once in a while, don't you?

Ok then. So I asked a few of my guy friends and exes what it takes to make a man happy. After I got past the BS answers they all thought I wanted to hear, we got down to brass tacks. You know what a man wants? He wants to be catered to; to feel like a king. How do you do that? The most common request I've ever heard is cooking. A good meal, or even a putting together a nice spread for him and his friends when they're going to watch the fight. Then of course there are the intangibles -- listening when he's talking, letting him feel like he's in charge, letting him feel like the big man on campus.

My friend the officer said it best: "Men just want someone to like them. In return for letting us feel like we're in charge, we buy you things...In subsequent return for us buying you things, you let us touch your boobs."

Well said, my friend. Well said.

This Post Brought to you by Ne-Yo

You know what really bugs me?  There's a song by Pitbull featuring Ne-Yo called "Give Me Everything," and in that song at the very beginning, I swear Pitbull says Ne-Yo's name incorrectly.  I can't be the only person that hears this!!  It's even more obvious because during the song he also corrects himself.  So it goes "Pitbull, Nigh-Yo Nee-Yo...that's right."  WTF!!??!!?  How is no one talking about this?!

Anyway.  Aside form lyrical shenanigans, Ne-Yo is on my mind tonight because his video reminds me of a past relationship.  My gym has small tvs on each of the cardio machines; and it's a fantastic way to distract me from the upsetting exercise of, well, exercising.  One of the videos that came on during my run was "One in a Million."  It's a great song...it's classic Ne-Yo wooing the ladies with his warm-your-heart lyrics and creating the impulse that makes a girl go "awww."  Likewise, the video is pretty awesome.  Here's a brief synopsis (necessary for the point I'm making, I promise):   In the video, Ne-Yo sees a girl at a restaurant, and proceeds to attempt to woo her.  But the girl? Wholly unimpressed and uninterested.  She walks away when his back is turned, and he has to chase after her.  When he catches up to her, he gives her a rose, but she waves it away.  She makes an attempt at a clean getaway again, but he finally does something to make her stay and listen.  She begins with a small smile, and he proceeds to sing her praises in the middle of the street.  Aww...

Know what this video made me think of?  Astro.  Since I've been on a bit of a hiatus, y'all missed the mini-saga (mini is relative, you see) that was my relationship with Astro.  But, I think Ne-Yo's video pretty much sums it up.  He did a great job of doing the chasing.  When we first met, he didn't call.  So, I brushed him off as another one of those guys that asks for numbers for sport, rather than actually wanting to call.  *Shrug.*  A month later, he shows up at my office, and just wants to talk.  I tell him he missed the boat and to kick rocks.  He says, "I'll pick you up Starbucks."  I say, "ok.  I'll give you another chance" (sometimes an addiction leads you to make poor decisions).  Then, he disappears again.  Then he shows up again, and does a masterful mind meld to get me to go out with him.  I'll save the details, but it wasn't unlike Ne-Yo's machinations in the video.  The next several weeks were fantastic.  I was falling hard and fast for a great guy.  But, you know what?  It's easy to be a great guy for a couple months.  Sustainability is what separates the men from the boys. 

And this is where Ne-Yo's video comes in again.  At the end of the video, Ne-Yo is distracted by gorgeous girls dancing with him.  He's still singing the song to the first girl (who's one in a million, of course), but he's so distracted by the performance that he doesn't notice her first getting frustrated, and then walking away.

In a moment where art imitates life, this is precisely what came to be the end of my relationship with Astro.  He was still talking a big game, but 4 weeks went by and I saw neither hide nor tail of him.  I've never thought it was another woman (I mean seriously, what woman could ever measure up to pheebee?  Ok ok, other than Eva Longoria, Halle Berry, Serena Williams, or J.Lo).  But business/life/whatever became his mistress.  And in that case, mistress trumps girl.  And thus, it ended.  I took the next cab out, and didn't look back.  (Until the aforementioned wedding, apparently).

At the end of the video, Ne-Yo doesn't notice the girl leaving -- and neither did Astro.  But, I'm already aware that I'm one in a million. ;).

All of this was over a year ago, so you can forego the pity party.  As with any relationship, I learned a few things.  I learned that there is a rare breed of guy that still courts a woman when he's interested.  And there's also a rare breed of guy that cooks.  Sadly, dating Astro only raised the bar of things I'll look for in a man.  But, it also taught me the art of putting my foot down.  Sometimes girls, and by sometimes I mean always, there's just no reason to settle.

Emotions at the gym

Working out can be an emotional experience.  On Saturday, in an effort to pre-empt upcoming weekend caloric sins, I headed to the gym.  I woke up at the crack of dawn (aka 8am) to head to a cardio kickboxing class.  (Cardio kickboxing is the class' government name.  But Cardio kick-your-ass-twice is the street name).  There was a substitute teacher when I got there, and I noticed it was a a teacher that just works my last nerve.  Everytime she teaches a class, she spends the first 5-8 minutes talking.  She's got somewhat of a high voice, and does all this fake humble ish.  Like, "you know when there's a sub, you have to have an open mind."  PFFT.  Shut up.  Anyway, after chattering about goodness knows what, she asked the class if we wanted her to go over the proper form for the kicks and punches.  One rather type-A mother who was desperately trying to fit in her workout before returning to a life of playdates and bouncy castles (you know, I imagine), said with a healthy amount of snark "no, just start class."  Now, while I agreed with mommy dearest in principle, I thought it was ill-advised for her to make a comment to a cardio teacher.  Doesn't she know how it works?  If you imply that the teacher isn't working you hard enough, that teacher uses your implication as license to attempt homicide by cardio.  And, I had already been a victim of that particular crime earlier this week.

Anyway, true to form, Kelly the kickboxer started class, and proceeded to vicitimize us immediately.  Even the warm-up was mind-boggling. She counted every thing on the half count, and a lot of jumping was involved.  I didn't really mind that, though.  You know what my real problem is with this chick?  She was wearing at least 2 if not 3 bras.  Her rack was ginormous, and required a lot of suspension and balance in her hardware.  She was otherwise extremely toned -- she could've been a wrestler in another life.  Suffice it to say that you would not want to meet her in a dark alley when she was pre-menstrual.  Yeah, I said it.  During the workout, as my muscles slowly began to fill with lactic acid, I started to wonder if my mounting rage was because she had the biggest chest I've ever seen on a fitness instructor, or because I felt like I was cheated out of 10 minutes of class, or if I was just bitter because my skin itched and my lungs were on the verge of explosion.  Anyway, at the end of the day, it was very mentally exhausting.

As though my world isn't bizarre enough; I am continuing along my journey through past relationships.  As I mentioned before, the Titan really never goes away.  We still talk a lot, and we sometimes workout at the same gym.  For the most part, our relationship doesn't usually extend beyond weekday chats.  But today, as I was completing a day of errands and couponing, I decided I was craving deep dish pizza.  Having been well-trained by WW, I knew that I would have to do something to earn it.  Fortunately, at the moment I was having the craving, I was also driving past my gym.  Which made me think; if there is anyone that I can count on to fulfill a pizza fantasy after working out, it's the Titan.  He is a complete gym rat, but also a pizza fanatic.  So, I proceeded to call him and tell him that he should come by the gym, and then split a pizza with me.  Given his aversion to impulse, I figured he'd say no.  But, surprise surprise, he was down!  With one caveat, we had to walk to the gym. 

It wasn't the distance of the walk, it's maybe 4 blocks, (albeit uphill), but not far.  But the thing about that walk, is that it involves walking under an overpass, which houses a place for Hipsters of Tomorrow to meet up.  Tomorrow's hipsters are today's skaters.  Managing to sag jeans that are 2 sizes too small, find a way to wear plaid and flannel no matter the temperature, and the ubiquitous knit hat is, well, ubiquitous.  With all the brooding and teenage flirting going on, it's difficult to watch.  That, AND, it's the official pigeon port o' potty of the northwest side.  Seriously, I can't take it.  But, I wanted my deep dish pizza...so walk we would.  Naturally, the Titan picks one of the hottest days of the year to make this walk...and then he proceeds to complain that the a/c is too cold once we reach the gym.  *Note:  never NEVER walk in 90 degree weather with a man from Memphis. 

While we were at the gym, (and he had the audacity to lift hundreds of pounds right in front of me.  Tease), I started to notice something.  That boy knew a lot of the other gym rats that were there today, including the girl who apparently got her gym locations mixed up.  Whereas I was wearing the first pair of workout capris and bright yellow Nike dri fit, with a faded bandana, this chick had on an outfit straight outta Hoochie's Workout Wear.  While standing on a bosu (flat-side down -- punk), she did cute little squats in front of a mirrored corner.  She was wearing black bootcut stretch pants, with lime green racing stripes which went up the leg and crossed (rather conveniently) at the hip and around the back.  Drawing your eye to her nonexistent booty.  To match -- and I do mean match -- she had on a lime green zebra striped tank top.  Fitted, of course.  But, the piece de resistance was...wait for it... an Ed Hardy hat.  Who the hell wears an Ed Hardy hat to the gym?  After finishing her bosu squats, she made a beeline for the Titan.  The entire time I'd been up there, I'm pretty sure he was purposefully avoiding eye contact with me (or...he was watching his form in the mirror.  Whatever).  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see them talking, and I KNOW he was smiling and whatnot.  And she was all "hi, aren't I cute and adorable?!!"  ***  And then, just before I'd worked myself in a tizzy, he brought her over to meet me.  What the devil?!  But I have been lifting!  And I forgot my gloves, so I look like a total amateur!! and I'm sweaty!!  Dammit! 

Not surprisingly, she had a little bit of attitude.  But meh.  Whatever.  I didn't tell her he and I used to date -- that's on him to tell her if that's the type of relationship they got.  The fun part for me?  Knowing that I was leaving with him, and all she could do was huff.  HA.  Ok, not really.  Truth be told, she did give me a little bit of a cold shoulder, but I didn't give her any hint that he and I came together or were planning to leave together.  I didn't give any hint that I knew him any better than she did, because really?  I'm not one to fight over a guy.  He's either mine, or he's not.  And when it comes to an ex?  He's not.  So, meh.  No matter the gender though, it's still a bit awkward to meet someone in a gym...when you're all sweaty and gross and whatnot. 

That said, the workout and extra mile of walking was totally worth it for the pizza.  Yummy!  While we were eating, the Titan gave me some insight into dating in 2011 from the male perspective.  I opined that men don't court women anymore.  He said that lots of guys don't feel they should have to court a woman, since so many of them are dating 2 and 3 guys.  Guys don't want to go all in, just to find out he's one of a few guys this chick is seeing.  I proceeded to roll my eyes.  Sounded like an excuse to put forth the least amount of effort necessary in order to get a piece -- but maybe that's just the cynic in me.


***Ok really?  I don't actually know what they were saying or doing.  This is totally what I heard in my head.

Sniff, Sniff

I smell. In fact, I totally reek. I find myself in unfamiliar territory. I want, desperately want, to be in a relationship. I think I may even want one for the right reasons. Now that, my friends, is exceptionally weird. Most often, I don't want a relationship at all. If the time comes when I want one, then normally I want one out of boredom, or because it's winter and I want someone to snuggle with, or just to pass the time because my friends are all in relationships. While some of that is true, I can't really say that's the true motivation.

No, lately (probably the last month or so), I've been wanting a relationship for all the right reasons. Because I want to have that special someone. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (pun intended) to figure out that my craving for a relationship strictly coincides with the time I've spent with the Engineer.

The second most unfortunate thing, (the first being the Engineer living across the country) is that when the whiff of desperation is on you, a relationship is sure NOT to come. Sooooooooo, what are we gonna do? Well nothing, this feeling has always passed before, it'll be a passing feeling again.

And one other thing? Desperation or no, my standards haven't gone anywhere. And quite honestly, I have yet to find someone I care to spend more than 45 seconds with.

Gentleman Friend

Question of the day. What makes a guy your boyfriend? At what point are you "official"? Is a "talk" or declaration required? Among my friends and the Mafia, we can't agree. For me, once I am exclusively dating someone, that person is automatically my boyfriend. For other friends of mine, exclusively dating is separate and distinct from boyfriend. In fact, only those worthy of "meeting the parents" are boyfriends. So when does it happen?

SiQ and some other friends have begun referring to the Titan as my boyfriend. Mostly they do it just to get under my skin. But, SiQ argued that he and I are all but dating exclusively (as far as we know), and have been doing so for quite some time. But I tell her and others that we have not had a discussion about exclusivity. Therefore, we are technically allowed to date other people. In fact, not that long ago, I considered going out with the Humping Penguin. HP was making a full court press for about a day -- make that a morning -- but he never followed through. Technically, I could've gone out with him.

Then, of course, there is the Engineer. My current date to the international madwoman's wedding. Right now, the Engineer isn't in the Titan's consciousness. The Titan has no right to know, since we aren't exclusive. All the exclusive talk will do is force me to mention the Engineer and the convoluted mess that spans across three time zones. How is that good for anybody?

So, my official stance on the boyfriend question is that a "talk" must be had. Until such time that we talk, I am a swingin' single baby!

Pet Mountain

While in Boston, kd. asked me about my love life. Mainly to avoid telling me why she won't get with this young cutie in her arch school. Anyway, she asked me all the important details (i.e. what does he look like). When I told her about the titan, her reaction was "that's not a Titan, that's your own pet mountain!" A reaction which was awesome and hilarious! That may be his new psuedo-nickname. He'll always be the titan, but secretly he'll be my pet mountain.

Anyway, just after I got back from Boston, my pet mountain asked me to be a basketball wife. Let me explain. The second week after I got back, I texted him to say that we needed to get together and talk and such. I didn't exactly tell him that it was going to be a "Talk," but that is essentially what I'd planned on. I was seriously considering kicking him off the island. But, his response was to ask me to come to a basketball camp and watch him play. I figured, and island-council members agreed, that there was no way I could screw with his game by telling him everything I'd planned to tell him.

Good thing I didn't say anything. He wasn't just playing a game. He was going to what was essentially a tryout for a basketball team in Mexico. I found myself sitting on the bleachers with all the other friends, families, and basketball wives. I was definitely a basketball wife that day. We were there for a solid 4.5 hours. Yikes. I had a nice pounding headache too, because one basketball wife let her brat fake cry for the first 2 hours. And just let him do it. I wanted to choke her for letting him, and then scream at him to just shut up.

As it turns out, we ended up having the Talk (part 1) on the way back from the basketball camp. He brought it up, because he said he'd sensed things had changed. So, I told him that I was having problems, because the Ninja-esque qualities were starting to bug me. I told him almost everything that was bothering me. Basically, I want to see some A game. None of this C and D game nonsense. I sort of expected things to end shortly after the conversation. He shocked me though. He agreed that we had some problems, but he actually said "pheebee, I think that whatever differences we have, we can work them out."

Then, the next day, we had the Talk (part 2). He told me the things about me that bug him. Essentially he wants me to be more of the nurturing type of woman. I told him I can do that, but usually only after a guy makes me feel like a princess. We'll see if it actually happense. Unfortunately, I left for Boston about 3 days later, so no chance for him to prove himself. Although, while I was in Boston, he promised me a make-up Valentine's day. I'm still waiting for that to happen, and it's been a week. But, I'm trying to give the man the benefit of the doubt; I only saw him briefly since I've gotten back, so no need to start sabotaging it yet.

What women want

Frankly, I don't know what women want. But I know what I want. At least I think I do. One thing I know I want -- in a man, that is -- I want a southern man's gentility with a northern man's modern ideals. Basically, I want a man that wants to take care of me, but doesn't feel like he HAS to.

What brought this on, you ask? Well, allow me to explain. The young titan and I have been dating since before Thanksgiving. And for those of you keeping track, you know that is an exceptionally long time, given my track record. But, it appears we've run into a few things that are starting to bother me. First, he almost never pays for anything. Ever. So far, he's paid for the first date (kind of). I offered to pay for the one beverage that I had, but I didn't have cash and it'd have to go on my card. His response? Not "I got it." No, his response was "it's not worth it to ask her to split it for $7. I'll get this one, and you can get the next." Arrgh? But, I hate to be a golddigger, and he's pretty, so we press on.

Second, I asked him if he would help push my car out if it got stuck (as it notoriously does in the winter.) He said he would, and even commented that it would be a good workout. Well, when I called to ask for his assistance, he whined that he was in traffic and wouldn't be able to get to my apartment in time. Ok, seriously? Seriously?! Arrgh!

And third -- and most recent -- I asked him if he would lift my old television out of my cabinet (because I bought myself a bomb tv). He said he would, enthusiastically. I called on Saturday to ask him if he'd do it Sunday before my little shindig. He hemmed and hawed, and said that he wasn't sure if he could do it because he had a basketball game. So I said, can't you stop before the game? Given that he had 2 hours between when I got out of church and when he wanted to be at the court. And lifting my tv out would take all of what? 35 seconds. And yet, he couldn't do that. Moreover, I didn't hear hide nor tail from this dude all day on Sunday. Arrgh, again!

Someone may be getting voted off the island soon.

Sanity

As you know, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is defined as insanity. But what is it when you do the same thing over and over again, fully expecting the same unpleasant result? My guess? The definition is stupidity.

I'm speaking, of course, of my ridiculously repetitive relationship with the engineer. (Alliteration not intended, but impressive nonetheless). Here's the thing. Our relationship is more or less the exact same way that it was around this time 20 months ago. When we talk, it's easily for 45 minutes or more. And it's easy conversation. We make each other laugh, we impress each other with our intelligence, blah blah blah. There's just one minor change; this time, we acknowledge that we're attracted to each other in a romantic way. But, despite that minor change, I fully expect that a few months from now, he is going to meet a girl. And then he is going to date her, sweep her off her feet, and she will demand (albeit fairly) that he choose between me and her. And I fully expect him to choose her. Again. And while this time, he might not be so harsh about it, there isn't a doubt in my mind that he'll choose her. And rightly so. She'll probably sleep with him. Which, of course, I wouldn't do even if there wasn't 3/4ths of the country between us. And, equally as importantly, she'll live in the same city.

So, like I said. I think the definition might be stupidity. Ridiculousness. Fill in the blank, go ahead, I'll wait.

In other news, I met a pretty handbag the other day. Click here for an articulate definition of a handbag. Hilariously, I wasn't entirely certain of his name. Or that he'd actually call. But he did. And I found out his name. For now, we'll call him the Young Titan. More on him later -- i.e. when I figure out if he actually stays on the island long enough to warrant a blog posting.

Avoidance is not Closure

So, I bet you're all wondering how the weekend with the Engineer was. Well, it was great! Lots of fun doing tons of stuff. I started it off with a bang, by taking him to the Signature Lounge on the 96th Floor of the John Hancock. The view up there is awesome, by the way. Then, the next 3 days were as filled with as much as I could find to do, with the exception of Monday, when I was put on house arrest by the Engineer since I was deathly sick with the Plague.

Anyway, the sad part about the weekend is that I failed to actually address the elephants in the room. Namely, how super bogus he was a year and a half ago (longer now). And second, what this trip will lead to for the future. Contrary to popular belief, I have a rational reason for not really pushing the conversation. Shortly after his arrival, I realized that I could either treat this weekend like a fun summer fling; or, I could address all of the aforementioned issues and add some unnecessary tension to the weekend. I chose to go with option a. Reason being, he just bought a condo out west. I have less than zero intentions of moving out there. And by virtue of purchasing a condo, he has essentially made the statement that he's not moving here. So, in the end, why bother pressing the issue?

Now, I have friends (SiQ, 2DP) who are opposed to the Engineer generally. And friends who, after grudgingly accepting the visit, will be opposed to the fact that I pressed no issues (SiQ, Kaia). Sooo, what we've learned is, I am completely defiant in the face of the island cabinet.

At any rate, that's all I got for ya, without giving you a detailed schedule. And that would not make for such an interesting blog. Anyway, I thought that the results would be far more interesting. All in all, a great summer fling weekend.

A Quickie Post

My psychic powers can sometimes be very gratifying. And sometimes quite upsetting. Today, I think they fall into the upsetting category. In my last post, I ended it with the dire premonition that there was the possibility that I would not hear back from my Blair Underwood. Funny, I did hear back from him, but it was only via text, and it was on Friday. "Hey pretty lady. How's your day going?" Or some such thing. Which would be totally sweet and adorable had it not been the only non-responsive communication. In other words, he responded to my email about the storm (we just had a giant one here on Tues), but didn't bother to call otherwise. Frankly, I'm incredibly confused. I mean, after a 7 hour date, don't you call? Or, ask for another date? Am I being blown off? And if so, can I get an explanation?

Grant it, after 1 date, I don't necessarily deserve an explanation. But it'd be nice to have one. Of course, part of me assumes this is the universe's way of getting back at me for the way I abruptly ended it with J.R. (the short old guy). But, on the other hand, at least I gave him an explanation.

In other news, while I'd totally prefer to go out with him again (especially given the total amnesia he gave me with regard to the Engineer), I can't say that I'm entirely that pressed. Yes, I would totally heart going out with him again. Yes, he is uber hot. No, I'm not planning to cry over it. In fact, I was on the eL today, calculating how much time I should let pass before deleting his number, when I realized I really could just delete it now. The unfortunate part is that if he were to call or text again, I'd likely not have a clue who he was, because unlike Snowflake, I didn't memorize his number by default.

D'ah well. As someone told me, it might be just as well. With the imminent arrival of the Engineer, perhaps now is not the best time to become totally smitten with Blair Underwood. On the other hand, Blair Underwood's masterful first date lifted my haze with regards to the Engineer's shenanigans, and helped me cool my original nonsense. This trip, though allegedly filled with potential, has been relegated to summer fling. I mean really? Can I truly get smitten with a guy who a.) cannot use a post office and b.) ticked me off to the point of speechlessness? I should send Blair Underwood a thank-you text for that. Too bad I refuse to set a precedent of always contacting him first.

Horoscope

According to my horoscope, I'm commitment-shy. I would like to categorically disagree with this. I enjoy the idea of commitment greatly. I like the idea of having someone to spend an entire day in bed with. Of course, maybe that's just because I enjoy cuddling, and thus far have been unable to find a pet that I can cuddle with without risking asthma. Shout out to Gigi! But, what I don't particularly relish is the idea of committing myself who isn't the GREATEST. BOYFRIEND. EVER.

According to my ex, the Ninja, I want someone who's perfect. Well excuse me, it's not that he has to be perfect. He just has to be perfect for me. I'm not entirely clear on why that's too much to ask for. But that really does explain why we're soooooooooo NOT getting back together.

This does leave me to wonder where aforementioned greatest boyfriend ever might be found. I can pretty much guarantee that he's not making it very easy to find him. Hmm...maybe people (and my horoscope) think I have a commitment problem because I'm not so diligent in my search? D'ah well. Just add it to my list of things to do.

Silencing the Peanut Gallery

Yeah right. That title is really in reference to wishful thinking...sort of. I enjoy the peanut gallery. But lately, the peanut gallery has been yammering about IM Boyf. For some reason, they've knighted him the one with Potential. I have no idea why. I mean really? He lives in St. Louis and has distinctly expressed his general aversion to relationships.

And, evidently, I also have an aversion to relationships. Is it weird that I use my friends and road-dogs as one of my many many many valid reasons not to get into a serious relationship? I mean, really...I feel about 1000 times more useful as a single friend. I think it stems from the time when I was the only "singleton" around, and all of my (in-town) friends were in LTRs. I had no one to play with on the weekends. Add to that the fact that it was wintertime and it made for a lonely stretch. Grant it, I probably wasn't going out due to my general avoidance of precipitation; but I would feel extremely guilty if any one of my friends were in that position.

Now's the part where I acknowledge that not one of my friends has ever EVER laid said burden at my doorstep. And frankly, I don't think any of them would reciprocate -- nor would I ever ask them to. I mean really, what kind of selfish beast would ask that? And, if one of my friends had the audacity to ask or imply that, I'd probably tell them about themselves (and they wouldn't like it). But, at the moment, that's my current reason for avoiding relationships. And it's working quite well thank you.

Actually, it's a fall-back reason. There's always the lack-of-opportunity reason. But if you ask the SiQ (which, no one did), she would say that the reason I have no opportunities is because I turn them all away due to aforementioned reason. But really? Even if she (or any other member of the peanut gallery) destroys that reason, I've got a million others. So bring it on ditches!

Missing Her...

I never thought I'd get teary-eyed over an animal. I never thought I'd miss a kitty after only 2 weeks. But alas, here we are. Gigi cat is going back to the shelter tomorrow...and I feel awful. I feel awful because I'm sending her back to the shelter and I know she hates it. I feel awful because she was just getting used to being here. And I feel awful because I failed as a pet parent. But when it came to choosing between gambling with my health, I decided to send her back. Basically, the doctor told me that the throat-tightening could potentially go away in a few months. He also said that I could potentially develop asthma. Basically, I decided that I'd better not take that chance. If I waited a few months, only to become more attached, and then have to take her back, I'd die of a broken heart rather than asthma. So, I'll miss her...but maybe I can try again someday when I have a bigger place...with doors. :(

I beg to differ

So there I was, reading the RedEye, when I cam across a rather absurd article. It was actually a book review, so the article wasn't absurd so much as the book is absurd. Anyway, the name of the book is "Rules of the Game."

The premise sounds logical enough. This guy has deemed himself a pickup artist, and has decided to share this knowledge with hapless guys out there who are not smooth-as-buttah. Ok, fine. I can handle that. The Game doesn't come naturally to everyone. And it takes a helluva lot of guts to walk up to a girl and pull a connection/relationship out of thin air. I am totally on board with that notion.

However, I'd like to see some proof of this guy's player card. Frankly, I question his ability to pick up a woman based on a few of the tips the RedEye pulled out to share with its readership. The first tip: Read Cosmo. His reasoning is sound -- it's hot to men when women can speak intelligently and enthusiastically about sports. Therefore it should be hot when men speak intelligently and enthusiastically about things women care about. But Cosmo?! Some titles from Cosmo: "How to make him hot". "Best sex position EVER." "How to have an orgasm right now!"...Are these really appropriate first met topics? And are you really proving you're interested in things the object of your desire is interested in? No. You're not.

Another tip: Do magic tricks. I'm NOT making this up. This man seriously suggests doing a magic trick in the bar, because "if you're bored in a bar, then you'd rather be entertained by someone." Perhaps this is true. But I will find you nothing but cheesy and lame if you're doing magic tricks in the bar. At that point, the only magic I want to see is you disappearing. I'm just saying.

I can't tell you how to get your mack on if you don't have the confidence to do it. But I can definitely tell you that I will not be duly impressed by your knowledge of Cosmo, or your magical ability. Honestly, can't you just say hello?

Last Time I do that

Ok islanders. You are officially off the relationship expert panel. I'm not taking any of y'all's advice anymore. As you know, I attempted to cut off 'bux boyf. As you also know, he was none too happy about being dismissed. But you all convinced me this was the proper course of action. Well allow me to disabuse you of that notion.

As you know, I told him I just wasn't feeling him, yada yada yada. So, I continue to talk to him here and there, offering the obligatory olive branch of friendship (note: HIS idea). You know how that's going? Miserably! I can't even stand to chat it up for 10 minutes or less anymore. The last few times we've talked, he's given me a guilt-trip. As in, "well, before you did what you did, I was going to give you a free drink coupon." And so on. Gah! I mean seriously. Man up already! I'm pretty sure I'm off the hook for talking to him...but how can I ever go to that Starbucks again? I have no desire to endure the stupid puppy dog eyes and pouting. *Sigh* I am beyond done with the young bucks.

In semi-related news, the ninja and I are on the speaking side of the pendulum that is our post-break-up relationship. Naturally, he and his g/f are having difficulties -- or so he says. Anyway, I was forced to reconsider the ending of our relationship. He sent me a cell phone pic of his sexy sexy abs. Knowing full well that I am like Pavlov's dogs when it comes to abs. (Grant it, he's always had a nice body, but dang it if he didn't put on about 20 lbs of muscle). Remind me, why did we break up again? Oh right, because of his inability to return phone calls. But....after all that hard work in the gym, shouldn't he be rewarded with the privilege of my company? Moreover, am I really that shallow?