A lesson in sweeping

Here's something I really have trouble understanding. Why are men perpetually unable to sweep a woman off her feet? The other day, the Titan -- my "ex" (and I use that term loosely) -- was telling me that he thought he'd treated me well when we were dating. His proof? That he was always calling, I always knew where he was, he wasn't out playing around, and he opened doors for me. I don't want to completely discredit him, those are all fantastic things. In fact, given my past history of ex's, they were awesome (see: the Ninja. Boyfriend circa 2002. Completely unable to place a phone call). But, neither of these things qualify as sweeping me off my feet. Frankly, I was surprised at his surprise. I'd always assumed that he didn't make efforts to wow me, because he was so used to women chasing him. (Point of reference, he spent his teens and twenties as a basketball star. Those guys? Women chase them; they don't have to put forth much effort). And friends, before you say it, I KNOW he could have been just saying that -- but in the context of the conversation, there was no need for him to lie. And, although he was a blockhead when we were dating, he wasn't one to out and out lie. He was more of an omission kind of guy. In other words, whatever he said, he was pretty straight about it.

That said, he cannot be the only guy that (allegedly) doesn't know how to sweep a woman off her feet. So, I have taken it upon myself to help the men out. So boys, listen up! This is very simple: in order to sweep a woman off her feet, and make her fall all over herself for you, you need to do one simple thing. Ready? Here we go: do things to show her you're thinking of her. Allow me to give a few examples.

When you're walking past a farmer's market, buy one of the $5 flower bouquets, and give it to her. LISTEN when she's talking. She's bound to mention something she likes. Remember what that like is -- write it down if you have to! Then, do something with that information. If she mentions a restaurant she's always wanted to try, take her. If she is constantly complaining about tired or sore feet (because she makes a habit of wearing badass stilettos), give her foot rubs...without expecting one in return! If she seems stressed at work, give her a nice neck massage, or her favorite bottle of wine, or a tasty cupcake. Does she hate HATE HATE doing dishes and cleaning the floor? Pull on those rubber gloves, baby. Nothing is sexier than a man who knows how to work a scrub brush. (But don't do it half-assed. Then she'll just have to go behind you and redo it. Which will only serve to tick her off. And that? Is the opposite of wooing). When it's girls' night out? Drive her to the club!! Notice how not all of these involve spending money. Yes, some of them do. But it's rarely about the amount of money you're spending. It's about the thought and the effort you put in. It's showing her that you thought about her -- and then subsequently did something about it. See how not difficult this is?

Now, if you find any of this too hard, or the girl you're with isn't worth that effort...well, maybe she's not the girl for you. But seriously, no guy really has an excuse not to be any woman's Prince Charming. Let's start putting as much effort into wooing your girlfriend as you do picking your brackets for March Madness, shall we?

Dang. To bad I'm not a lesbian. I'd really be a pimp. I'd have chicks doing all kinds of ish for me. One cleaning, one cooking, and one to run my errands. ;)