You Have to Kiss a Lot of Frogs

Well, I have made 3 attempts at reading the book "You Have to Kiss a Lot of Frogs", and quite frankly, in spite of my valiant efforts, it is impossible. This is utterly disappointing because this should've been a page turner. But it wasn't.

The premise of the book is that an old maid, ahem, a woman who is 35 and hasn't found "the One" is thinking about her lack of engaged status. So she's looking back over her life, and remembering all of her past dates -- mostly bad ones. Well, take it from me, her dates are not all that bad. The chapters are filled with average dates and relationships that weren't worth writing about. So I've decided to open up a forum for people to tell stories of their worst dates. Hit the comment button and have at it. Who knows? Maybe a publisher will read this and I'll finally get that book written that I've been promising....

Here's my submission: "Cedric the Entertainer"

Last year, during my first semester, I was sitting in my apartment, when there was a knock at my door. Now, no one ever just pops over to my apartment, but I figured why not answer it. Maybe it was Ed McMahon with my millions.

Naturally, it wasn't Ed McMahon. It was someone selling coupons for Papa Murphy's door-to-door. What's funny, is that I had interviewed for that very same job in Milwaukee the previous summer. What's also funny is that I told the guy this, and that the reason I didn't take the job was because I was too good for it. I now realize that it's not the nicest thing in the world to say to someone who has the job you're too good for, but it just slipped out, I swear.

Anyway, the guy turned out to be fairly witty and entertaining. He was not stunningly gorgeous, but I wasn't immediately turned off by his looks either. Now I realize, none of these are good reasons to give him my phone number when he asked for it, but I figured, what are the odds he was going to call anyway? Furthermore, I didn't believe that he'd be back in Madison anytime soon either. Boy, was I wrong.

A couple weeks later, he did call, and he was in Madison. As I was lonely and trying to get over my most recent episode in the saga that was "M", I decided to grant him the privilege of going on a date with me. He didn't have a car here in Madison, so I had to pick him up. Now, this is normally a dealbreaker, but he and his co-workers had carpooled to Madison from Milwaukee, so I forgave him this indiscretion. I also forgave him for calling after 9pm to begin our date, because he'd told me that he wouldn't be able to get together until late, after work.

I drove all the way to the east side of Madison to pick him up at the hotel where he was staying. Here begins what should've been clear omens of things to come. As I'm driving, he's giving me directions. BAD directions. I pass the last light before the Beltline. As I'm driving, I see that I am dangerously close to being on my way to the Dells. He says, "Oh, see that light you just passed, you should've turned there". What spectacular timing. But, I'm trying to be understanding, since he isn't from Madison, so I just take the nearest exit and make a U-turn.

Upon picking him up, the first words out of his mouth are "hey, it's great to see you. (Pause) I need to ask you a favor." Is this really something you should say to someone you are trying to woo and impress? NO! His favor was to take him to McDonald's and pick up food for his team; aka co-workers he was supervising. Let me remind you that it is after 9pm, and normal people eat dinner at 6pm. Let me further mention to you that this was his responsibility long before he knew that I'd be picking him up after 9pm. Why wasn't this taken care of before I got there? Furthermore, why didn't he know what they wanted before asking me to cart him around? That's right, he had no idea what everyone wanted. So when we get to the drive-thru, he calls their cell phones to take orders. Oh! But they don't answer their cell phones. Nor is he smart enough to have the hotel number, so he can't call their rooms. I suggest he calls information, and his response is "But that's $1.25!!". Excuse me?! You won't call information because it's $1.25 but you expect me to drive you all the way back to the hotel so you can ask them what they want?!? And yet, out of the goodness of my heart (or because I like self-torture) I continue the date nonetheless and drive him back to the hotel.

Turns out, it doesn't matter anyway, because McDonald's is closed. BECAUSE IT'S AFTER 9pm ON A TUESDAY YOU MORON!! So, I drive him back to the hotel, (with gritted teeth), and he goes upstairs to ask everyone if they want pizza. While he's in there, I call my good friend Mike, and ask him for the emergency boyfriend call. When Mr. Wonderful gets back to the car, he calls the other team-leader, and asks him to pick up food for his team from Taco Bell. I'm not joking. He does this after I've already carted him to McDonald's and back. I'm on the verge of shooting him, but I remember that they tend not to let murderers into the Bar.

We decide to complete our date (if you can call it that) at Denny's. Because that's the only restaurant nearby that is still open. I order something light, french fries I think. So, Mike calls (thank heavens) and makes loud references to me getting home and he misses me, and yada yada yada. I don't think it was actually loud enough for Mr. Wonderful to hear, but he does hear me refer to being out with Cedric. When I get off the phone, he asks "Who's Cedric?". So I look at him blankly, and ask "Aren't you Cedric?". You'll never guess what the answer is. His answer is "No, my name is Edric". Ok, frankly, I've never heard of the name Edric (and I was only vaguely apologetic), but it doesn't really matter, as this guy has a snowball's chance in hell of getting a 2nd date.

I finally take him back to the hotel, and he asks for a hug. And no, he wasn't joking. He tells me the ladylike thing to do would be to walk him to the hotel door. I consider telling him that the ladylike thing to do is to continue to restrain myself from physical violence. Instead I tell him that I will be doing no such thing, and to please exit my car immediately. He insists on a hug, standing outside of the car. I oblige and then get in the car and peel off as quickly as possible, doors locked.

Would you believe he had the audacity to call me after that? Yes, yes he did. No, no I did not answer. He called maybe 3 months later, and left me a message asking if he could stop by, because he and his friends would be in Madison. I distinctly remember yelling at my phone that he may categorically NOT stop by, and why in the hell does he remember where I live?! I never got the chance to find out the answer to that question, because I only keep his number to remember which call not to answer. And thus ends the story of my worst date ever.

What's yours?!