I feel fat...and other rantings

The thing about fat days, is that they aren't necessarily related to the actual size of the person who is experiencing the fat day. So, even tho I wear the size I wear (on the small side) I feel like a ginormo. I can feel my big fat thighs rubbing together, just below my big pregnancy sized stomach. And I've recently begun to lose all tone in my arms. Goo. That's what I am. Goo.

I am also upset about my job and the infamous corporate game. I hate the corporate game. And, furthermore, I hate living in near-constant fear that I'm risking my job over every little thing I do. Oh, you told a jackass attorney (who isn't your boss) that he was being a jackass (politely). You might get fired. Oooh, you told them to take their alleged diversity goal and shove it (also politely). You might get fired. Ooh, you don't ask how high everytime someone says jump. You might get fired. I HATE this game. And I hate it because it's such nonsense. And yet there is no way out. It's either this or not have a job. I knew I'd end up saying this -- but I miss retail. Too bad my old job wouldn't pay the bills. I wish I could be happy living with my parents forever. I'd move back home and go back to working at V.S.

In completely unrelated news, I saw a grown woman wearing a one-piece catsuit this morning. She was resplendent in her black synthetic fiber suit, with belt and zipper. Oy. She had to be older than me, but not inappropriately old to be wearing it. I can't even say she didn't have the body for it. But, honestly, who the hell puts one of those on in 2007 -- at 8 a.m. no less!! It was pretty appalling.

Science of Love

This week on NBC, love "experts" pick a date (both the woman and the activity) to help a pro-football player fall in love. Then they pit that date against one that the football player picked himself (again, the woman and the date). Aside from getting to watch the yummy Mark Consuelos for an hour, it was an interesting (albeit dubious) science experiment. The not-so-surprising fact was science picked someone completely opposite than Adam's instinct.

I would relish getting a date picked out by science. Not because I'm desperate (jerks). But because I'd be curious to see if my instinct is waaaaaay off. (Shut up - I can hear your eyes rolling from here). So honestly, I think the whole experience would prove a theory of mine right. This being that people date people they want to be attracted to, rather than necessarily picking who they're really attracted to. I mean honestly, why else would there be such an abundance of sketchy places to take the date you don't want anyone to know you're on?! (Not that I'd do that, of course.;})

Bad Friend, very Bad Friend!!!

I am not going to be a very good friend. Although I am not really close to this happening, I already know the truth. Once my friends are married, and start having children, the truth will come out. Ok, enough with the buildup. Here goes...I have a complete inability to muster up any sort of excitement for other people's children. Zero. Zip. Zilch. No, I don't want to see pictures. No I don't want to hear about Skyler's birthday party. No, I don't want to hear about Madison's dance recital. The truth of the matter is, I just don't care more than the cursory, required-by-polite-society amount. In reality, I don't care a lick.

I've been getting all kinds of practice around my office. Just about everyone in the office has at least one child. Some even have grandchildren. All they do is chatter about the soccer games, basketball games, and dance recitals (one that is particularly hard to dodge since it got out that I used to dance -- what?! I didn't know sharing that little tidbit would come back to haunt me). And then there are the older children, who get suspended from school, who won't do their homework, who are all around pains in the arses. ARGH. Shut up, shut up, shut up. I. DON'T. CARE. Don't parents have anything else to talk about?

On that same subject, there's a beach out in Lake Forest that has a 21 and up section. How awesome does that sound!? Hooray being on the beach without the kids and pails and shovels and screaming. Ahhhh, bliss.

And, I know I've said it a hundred times, but I realize in a few years, when my biological clock is doing more than blithely moving along, I may want a snot-nosed rugrat of my own. (Although I can't be certain about that). But until such time, can a girl hear something other than about other people's kids? Gah!

I'm starting to think that the same goes for other people's pets too. Although, I still want a pet. I'm also still allergic. However, I added a pet to the list of things I would buy if I were making more money. I also added language classes, incidentally. *Sigh*. What is it about sending my resume to martamack that is so difficult anyway? Well, there is the co-worker glitch. She already sent her resume, but hasn't heard back. I sincerely doubt that they would take two of us from the same place. So, I suppose I'm stuck....and broke. Meh.

Can You Keep a Secret?

Because everyone on my island is oh so discreet (snicker), I'm gonna tell you a secret. But if it gets out, EVERYBODY is ejected. And I wouldn't even tell, except that the thought is in my head, rattling and won't get out unless I push it out. So here goes....I miss the engineer. Wait! Don't freak out. Come back here. What I miss, is having a objective guy friend who will listen to the randomness that is pheebee's life and give me a poignant guy's perspective. I equally enjoyed hearing about his conquests (both failed and successful. Although the failed ones were more entertaining, because boys are sooooo clueless). Given that my law school husband is now married to a real-life wife, I don't really get the chance to talk with him anymore. And, of course, the ninja is permanently off the island (stop rolling your eyes. He is!).

So, now that I've done a decent job of finding some chick friends, I am now on the hunt for a couple guy friends. Both gay and straight. (Because every girl needs a gay boyfriend). And before you even think of suggesting martamack, allow me to point out the addition to his nickname...MARRIED martamack. He's married with children. Al Bundy does not an analyzer of randomness make. And, while I totally grant his general entertainment value, he would not be the welcome recipient of drunk dials. Nor would he have his own random stories to tell. And don't go suggesting 2DP either. He's so far above the randomness analyzer -- duh! See previous ode. So, the hunt for a gay boyf and guy-friend begins!

NBC Inspired

So, today I was watching N - B - C (read that with the ding, ding, dong), and I was duly inspired by to blog.

First, the show Age of Love. Is this a sign from the heavens that I should be open to older men? Shut up, that's a rhetorical question. This show pits cougars vs. "kittens"...a clever and hilarious comparison, I might add. Cougars are the ladies in their 40s. Kittens are the chicks in their 20s. Honestly, I don't know how realistic the contest is, given that the 40 year olds are slim and trim; and only a couple of them actually have children. But here's what is slightly lame. The producers of the show were a bit sensational with the age comparisons. They showed the kittens hoola-hooping in their suite; followed by a shot of the cougars reading and knitting. I'm not certain how I feel about this. I'm a kitten, by their terms...I should like to think that I wouldn't be standing about in a bikini hoola-hooping while waiting to meet the guy.

It's funny that the show was on today in particular. I went to Starbucks with MMM today, and apparently a really old guy was checking me out the entire time we were there. Ew. Anyway, what's a regular kitten to do when her looks go? I mean, clearly that guy was checking me out cuz he's old and I'm young -- and today I was looking rather adorable with shirley temple curls. But, what happens when shirley temple curls aren't enough to cover up whatever new flaws I have when I'm a cougar? Hmm...

In related news, NBC is also airing the alleged historic interview with the princes. My only comment to that is why am I supposed to care? Honestly!

The iRack

This is hilarious. The punchline is extended, but completely unexpected. Enjoy!

Mo' Money

My co-worker (who doesn't have a handle yet) and I were fantasizing about getting a BigFirm job someday (hopefully soon) just so we could make more money. We were also speculating whether it would be worth it for the impossible number of hours we'd be required to work. Given that my company currently pays about half what BigFirm does, but also requires half as many hours, it really is a tough call. In the topsy-turvy world o' j.d.s, you have to make a choice. Quality of Life vs. Quality of Paycheck. Thus, this is a common debate among j.d.s everywhere. (To be honest, what probably sparked the whole debate is martamack's attempts to convince us both to come to his BigFirm).

Anyway, I could just imagine all the things I could do if I was making twice as much money. For starters, I wouldn't have to budget my money so tightly -- the past 8 years of being so frugal has given me a mind to be sensible...but extra money would sure go a long way on the weekends. For instance, I wouldn't have to choose between going out downtown on Friday or Saturday. I could go BOTH days!!! Imagine the possibilities...Not having to be worried that it costs $20 roundtrip in a cab to get downtown.

And of course, there are the shoes. *Sigh. I'd finally get the Christian Louboutins I've always wanted. And I could pay off my car. Boy oh boy. I could just imagine. On the other hand; would it be worth it to lose another 40 hours a week to the office?

Face Time

Technology is often accused of being the death of face-to-face contact. I can see where critics are coming from. So many of my friends are far, far away; and instant messenger makes it easy to stay in touch, and stay close. But, it makes it slightly more difficult to get close to people I meet in real life. Not so much difficult because I don't trust them, but because they can't stand up to my close friends who are far away. (Of course, the SiQ and Mr. 2DP do set the bar quite high -- {that's a mini-ode to you guys!! pheebee luvs ya!}).

Although, I will say this, technology may make personal connections less necessary than before, but certain emotions are just not as effective through type and txt. Thus, I challenge the critics to remember the last time they were REALLY ticked at someone, and note that the person never would have known just how ticked off you were, except for the fact that you were standing 4 inches from their face and telling them. For that one time alone, I am positive that technology will never actually replace face-to-face contact.

And honestly, what woman is accepting a marriage proposal over txt? Although, I guess there are people who do what is essentially a jumbo-tron text don't they? Note to y'all: when my future spouse is looking for proposal suggestions, that's a bad one. :}

Tick Tock

Dude. Remember back in October or so when I was having wicked uncontrollable mood swings? I feel those happening again. Gah! How do women put up with this every month?! And how do I reverse whatever it is I did to start getting them?!

I need a Bulls connection

I've decided I'm going to try out for next year's Luvabulls team. There is a woman on there now, who's from my home state, went to my alma mater, was born 2 days after I was, and is 3 years older than me. Basically, she is pheebee in three years. But, I can't figure out when try-outs are. All I know is that I missed them for the '07-'08 season. Anyone have any idea how I can make it happen for '08-'09?!?!

Mother Nature's Last Laugh

As we all know, there are excellent benefits to having a pet. I've always been a cat person myself (propelling me even further into old-maid status). But I've recently taken up a liking to dogs. But, sadly, it is not meant to be. For, I developped allergies in my freshman year, and I am allergic to both. And then, to cement my fate, I moved into an apartment that doesn't allow pets.

I guess these are obstacles that could be overcome. I think my landlord just used a standard form lease, and I could probably talk them into letting me have a cat. And, I know people with allergies to pets generally, who aren't allergic to their own pets. But, I don't think it is to be. Honestly, I couldn't live with the wheezing in my own house. *sigh*. Hmmm. Any leads on a hypoallergenic pet (that's pet-able and fun)?

Happy Birthday pheebee

I felt that I should write something profound, or exciting today. But I've got neither. Perhaps that's a commentary in and of itself. Don't know what that comment could be, but, what're you gonna do?

I'm going to a going away party for a friend of a friend tomorrow. Maybe something exciting will happen then.

Starter Marriage

I met my friend Chrissy's neighbor last night. And, we were discussing marriage for some reason. I forget how we got on the subject (oh wait, I remember, I was telling Chrissy about the ninja pic episode - and determining whether I was shallow enough to do something about it [no, I'm not]). Anyway he told me his master plan, which I found hilarious.

Basically, it goes like this. His first wife is going to be the mother of his children. His second wife is going to be eyecandy, a trophy wife. His third wife is going to be his soulmate for his golden years.

Study after study has shown that people are living longer and longer. And as a consequence people move more often, people are switching careers more often, etc. So, is it cynical to assume your marriage is going to end? Everything else seems as though it's ending earlier these days. Although, really what's happening, I think, is that careers and homes are lasting just as long as they always did, it's just that people have time left over. Therefore, they go ahead and find a new home, a new career, whatever.

Here's the other thing. How can he assume that he'll find 3 women that want to marry him? I'm not saying he's unattractive or unpleasant or anything like that. But how is it possible, that he can assume there will be 3 available women that he wants; when many women I know are having difficulties finding 1 man. Oof. Statistics are a sonuvagun aren't they?

Flora and Fauna

You know what I love? Flowers. So, I've made the executive decision to send myself some for my impending birthday. What I can't decide is what kind to send, or where to send them to. Ideally, I'd like some at home and some at the office. But I can't be bothered with spending all that cash, when I have an illegitimate shopping habit to feed. I imagine the most economical thing to do would be to just get up and go buy some, and put them in a vase. And then, I'll hint to people to send them to my office. And by people, I mean my parents, since they're really the only people interested in sending me flowers.

Although, to be fair, the SiQ did send me a rather fabulous tshirt that says "I'm Tight Like Spandex". HAHAHAHAHA. That shirt will def. be making an appearance when I go out -- although I'd better be careful where I wear it. I don't want people getting the idea that it's ok to wear spandex out in public when not working out. Maybe I'll just carry around a fashion disclaimer: "This shirt is for comic value, not fashion tips". :)

Last Time I do that

Ok islanders. You are officially off the relationship expert panel. I'm not taking any of y'all's advice anymore. As you know, I attempted to cut off 'bux boyf. As you also know, he was none too happy about being dismissed. But you all convinced me this was the proper course of action. Well allow me to disabuse you of that notion.

As you know, I told him I just wasn't feeling him, yada yada yada. So, I continue to talk to him here and there, offering the obligatory olive branch of friendship (note: HIS idea). You know how that's going? Miserably! I can't even stand to chat it up for 10 minutes or less anymore. The last few times we've talked, he's given me a guilt-trip. As in, "well, before you did what you did, I was going to give you a free drink coupon." And so on. Gah! I mean seriously. Man up already! I'm pretty sure I'm off the hook for talking to him...but how can I ever go to that Starbucks again? I have no desire to endure the stupid puppy dog eyes and pouting. *Sigh* I am beyond done with the young bucks.

In semi-related news, the ninja and I are on the speaking side of the pendulum that is our post-break-up relationship. Naturally, he and his g/f are having difficulties -- or so he says. Anyway, I was forced to reconsider the ending of our relationship. He sent me a cell phone pic of his sexy sexy abs. Knowing full well that I am like Pavlov's dogs when it comes to abs. (Grant it, he's always had a nice body, but dang it if he didn't put on about 20 lbs of muscle). Remind me, why did we break up again? Oh right, because of his inability to return phone calls. But....after all that hard work in the gym, shouldn't he be rewarded with the privilege of my company? Moreover, am I really that shallow?

True Calling

Like most of my contemporaries, I am wondering if I picked the right professional path. Frankly, if I thought I could keep myself in the lifestyle to which I intend to become accustomed, I'd definitely be doing something other than insurance defense. Mostly because insurance defense is not nearly as exciting as you think.

So what would I do instead? Well, what are the things I heart dearly? I heart talking about fashion and dancing. So really, I should be either a dance costume designer, OR a fashionista tango dancer. Unfortunately, I don't see either of these happening....so, law it is. Bah!

Mothers Day

Happy Mother's Day pheebee's mom! Today was a classic Hallmark holiday, and my mom totally milked it for all it was worth. For the last few years, I've been allowed to give a simple card, sometimes flowers, but generally that's it. This weekend, however, pheebee's mom celebrated in style. There was breakfast after church on Sunday; then there was viewing the musical Chicago on Saturday, and shopping on Friday. It was good times had by all this weekend.

My mom is an excellent shopping buddy -- except when she's left to her own devices. However, she's not shy about telling you that something makes you look fat. In fact, sometimes she does it without anyone actually asking for her opinion. (And you wondered where I got that from).

Anyway, as I was saying, we were shopping on Friday, and we made a stop at Ann Taylor Loft, which may be my new official fave store (for work clothes). Ann Taylor Loft (n.k.a. ATL -- the good kind) must participate in vanity sizing. Have you heard about this? Stores and brands the fashion-world-over have taken to re-sizing their clothes, so women believe that they now wear a full size smaller. Women are so easily flattered -- they believe this even though they haven't seen the inside of the gym since those first 2 weeks of free membership.

Why do they do this, you ask? Because they can, and because it works! I can't tell you how many articles of clothing I've purchased because they were a full size smaller. (Yes, I am just that vain. Any inhabitant of the island should know this by now).

Aside from a fabulous purchase, (thanks to vanity sizing), I also met a fabulous sales associate, JanHan, and official new island inhabitant. Aside from having excellent taste in shoes and bags, she's a handbag designer. Now, I checked out the site where her handbags are sold, and I am giving it the pheebee endorsement. (I feel so cool for knowing a real designer -- other than the ninja). For those who are more into handbags than I, I recommend you proceed to this site (www.fashionflat.com) immediately. And I'm not just saying that, because, frankly, I'm not that nice. (Another fact island inhabitants probably already know). I particularly enjoy the striped shopper, but that's just me. You form your own opinions :). And no, there's no island discount. Cheapskates.

Pimpin' ain't easy

Ok, so I attempted to break it off with 'bux boyf today. I think I was unsuccessful. Here's the problem:

So, I bite the bullet, and tell him that I don't think it's going to work. The reasons I give is because it's been too hard to connect, and I don't think we have anything in common. We discuss this for about 20 minutes. He gives a few rebuttals, none of which I find convincing. But I tell him that we do have enough personality connection to still be friends. (Remember, when he first started talking to me, he said that if we couldn't date, he just wanted to be friends).

Despite my efforts to be a big girl and end things, he mostly rejected my peace offering. He asked for another date! How do I get rid of this guy? Honestly?! *Sigh. You'd think this was a desirable problem....but it's not.

Beautylicious!

Today's blog title is brought to you by Jenyne M. Raines, author of the same titled book. The book is the fabulous black woman's guide to more fabulousness. A total recommended read.

What made me think of it, aside from the fact that I'm on a habitual read of the book, is my trip to the airport today. While attempting to make eye contact with a cutie waiting across the gate from me, I noticed a glamazon. She was so fabulous, with excellent hair, makeup and clothing. I will say she wasn't of the "I woke up looking like this" variety, but I was nonetheless impressed. Incidentally, I saw another woman walking from the eL the other day who was so fabulous I couldn't stop looking at her. She was epically stylish.

So that got me to thinking, these two gals were oozing style from their very pores in a way I've always wanted to do. With the caveat that I want to be of the "I woke up looking like this" variety. (I've seen some of those too, they are extremely few and far between). But, despite the ridiculous number of books dedicated to the subject; I find most women reach for this level of style, but fall short. So, is it hopeless? Are you born with it, and if you're born without the style gene, you're just out of luck? Or, is it something you can grow into?

I ultimately decided that it is something that you can grow into. And, I've also decided that I will be growing into it shortly. Case in point, I don't think it requires money, but money certainly helps. Allow me to sketch a picture for you: Think back to the days (as in, mere moments ago) when you last saw someone who was ghetto-fabulous. Not that girl from down the block, but more like 50 Cent (aka no-talent hack). He has more money than is decent, given his complete lack of talent and social responsibility, and yet has a complete lack of taste. A second example, you may remember my shameless obsession with the Real Housewives of Orange County. If you look back in the archives, you'll read a section where one Housewife was trying to get "CZs" put on her Hummer's (it was pink, if memory serves) rims. Also, not oozing style.

So, what we learn from this is that oozing style does not require money. But, money definitely helps you make a completely necessary purchase without feeling guilty about those total praise-worthy effen pumps with a red sole from Nine West (which were COMPLETELY worth the near 3 figures I dropped). We have also learned that what women believe is true...we really only dress up for each other....no man can properly appreciate what oozing style really is. :)

Top Ten Reasons

The title of my blog is "The Book I Keep Promising to Write." I have decided to give you the top ten reasons why this is an empty promise:

1. Because, my blog is only funny if you know me personally.
2. Because, I can't turn my blog into a coherent book.
3. Because I know someone who attempted to shop her blog as a book to publishers, and they told her that it was too blog-y and not book-y.
4. Because, I don't have any connections in publishing.
5. Because, if we take out all of the randomness, there's probably only 9 pages of book text here.
6. Because I attempted to write a fiction novel once, and it really wasn't that thrilling.
7. Although, that failed attempt was an attempt at a romance novel; so maybe it was a failed attempt because I wasn't writing from experience.
8. Because I don't have any ink in my printer.
9. Because I don't know anyone who would purchase it, except my friends and family, and that's really not enough people to support publishing costs.
10. Because I said so...until further notice. :)

Ok, I didn't say they'd be good reasons. But they're reasons. Of course, they're subject to change.