Dear Congress, an open letter

As I'm sure you know, I don't do deep and serious topics. I leave that for news pundits and hipsters. But every once in a while, I am forced to comment based on the shenanigans I see happening in Washington. Of late, I have been disturbed by what's going on in politics these days. So, below is my letter to Congress. For those of you that work in or around DC, feel free to forward to any politician you see on the street. *clears throat*

Dear Congress:

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!? As near as I can tell, I've been paying you to sit on your duff and squabble. I commend you on the diversity of your squabble. You will argue with the other party members, you will argue within the party, and then you'll argue with your constituents who happen to disagree with you. Congratulations on being generally ornery and argumentative. Now, here is your opportunity to explain to me what good that has done. Do it without spin and without rhetoric Don't worry, I'll wait.

Now, let's discuss what you have done over the past 8-10 months. *crickets* You hear that? NOTHING. You haven't done a dagblasted thing and the country is in disrepair as a result of your inaction. As your employer, I am disappointed with the fact that I don't possess the supervisory authority to draft a performance review (and frankly, a subsequent termination letter) for you. Lucky you. If I did, you'd most certainly be on a Performance Improvement Plan with the quickness. The basis of my assessment would be a complete failure to fulfill any of the objectives for which you were hired. Frankly, I've been wholly unimpressed with anything you've done.

For the record, I have voted as a Democrat in each of the elections in which I voted. I've been known to pull the lever for an Independent here and there. But hear this; I vote Democrat because I have no illusions that there is space for me in the Republican party. At the moment (despite your "diversity"), there is no space for an African-American woman with more liabilities than assets. Often, I question whether there is room for a person of color in the Republican party at all -- but that is a thought for another letter. Rather, I admit my recent voting pattern to circumvent the need for you to discount my reactions to your inability to perform by basing it on my "political bias." Look, I don't give two shakes which side of the aisle you're on if you're getting the job done. Which brings me back to my original problem with your performance -- a total failure to achieve ANY of the objectives for which you were hired.

There are 3 things that I suggest you do right now.

First, thank your lucky stars that you don't work in corporate America. I promise you, you would be fired. Second, thank your lucky stars that I don't have enough power to get you fired in the manner that would make me happy. Third, dammit, DO WHAT YOU WERE SENT THERE TO DO. I don't give a hoot if it requires you to work with the other party, sell your house, or give up your effing pension.

Finally, I think you need to give up your salary and several perks. You have done NOTHING to earn them. Do your patriotic duty and give it back to the deficit-laden budget.

Should you have any questions, do not hesitate to contact me.

Very truly yours,
pheebee

P.S. I know Washington is often referred to as "Hollywood for ugly people." That is not an open invitation for you to spend your time getting in front of the cameras on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox. Nor is it a hint that you should be spending your time drafting soundbites. It's actually an insult. What you should be doing is leaving the vapidity that is Hollywood and celebrity and doing your actual job. Which, in case you're confused, is governing. Not getting interviewed. If you want to be a professional interviewee, get a reality show...or run a failed campaign. Mkay? Kthxbye.