Ex-Factor

I used think the time to expect to hear from boyfriends of dating past was in the winter time. I always figured that once it got cold, men start wishing for a cuddle buddy. The best kind of cuddle buddy is one that you already know, right? Apparently, late June is the new winter time.

In the past 2 weeks or so, I've heard from every man I've ever ended a relationship with. Oftentimes, I'm not the one doing the ending. I'm usually the one getting left in the dust. Apparently, June 2011 is the year in which men of my distant and not-so-distant past begin thinking of all the "good times" we had.

It all started with the Ninja. The incredibly stupid guy who had an allergy to using a phone, following through with promises or plans, and a penchant for overall douchebaggery. Prior to two weeks ago, I hadn't spoken to him in 3 years. And then, I got a text message on Friday, asking me to go to a wedding on Saturday...back home. Because I didn't learn my lesson when we dated in 2002, I assumed that the reason he was asking was because he was desperate. That it was going to be a wedding and his ex would be there; or his family was pressuring him and he needed a decoy -- you know. Weddings can bring a lot of pressure if you don't have a ready-made date to go; at least for women. I don't think it's as serious for men, what, with their ability to hit on bridesmaids and single girls that couldn't find a date. In fact, last I heard, weddings were basically shooting vulnerable fish in a metaphorical barrel for single guys. But, there are exceptions (like those I listed). So, being the good Samaritan that I am, I agreed to go. (That, and he agreed to pay for my gas and I was totally in need of a fill up).

I expected that he would get on my nerves a little, but I had a tiny, bite-sized hope that he'd changed. NOT. He made all kinds of extra-deep comments that were designed to wow me with his sensitivity. Did you know, that I've always been there for him? Or that he didn't want to lose me again? How about that he loves that I asked his opinion even though I wasn't going to take his advice? He had a bad case of "one that got away"-isms. Unfortunately, he completely forgot about the fact that we only dated for 3 months -- namely because we didn't get along. Of those 3 months, we spent 85 days fighting. Argh. I'll spare you the details of how he picked a fight with me 5 days after the wedding. But suffice it to say that I suspect we'll go another 3 years before I hear from him again. Suffice it also to say that I didn't get my gas money.

Maybe a week later, I hear from the guy I broke up with last year. Also asking me to go with him to a wedding. He, at least, I'd heard from about a month ago. It was sporadic and just an exchange of text messages; but still it was contact. For the same reason I agreed to go with the Ninja, I went with Astro. It was a completely different experience. Astro spent most of his time convincing me that there were certain things that had changed about him, and that I should remember all of the great things about him. For example, he reminded me about how he once brought me a rose to my train stop to surprise me first thing in the morning. And that he used to cook for me. He also mentioned how he had eased back on the substance abuse (which shall remain nameless). The most shocking thing is that when I was being introduced to one of his friend's mom, she asked how we knew each other...and he says "we used to date. But I miss her, so maybe we'll start dating again." Zweerrrrrrrrr. Rewind. Say that again. Did he just say that we were going to start dating again? Did I miss a memo? The friend turned to me and says "my mom just got more information from him than you have all night. Awesome." Actually? Not awesome! That is something I'd rather get a memo about before other people, you know? I mean seriously! What's going on!?!?

Finally, I heard from the last guy. The young blood from the southside. Now, he was just kicked off the island maybe a month ago. So it's not all that unnatural that he'd pop up. It's just so funny that he made contact in the same time frame as all the other guys.

Now, the Titan never really goes away, as we all know. So I won't count his phone calls in the list of exes who called popped up. But, get this. I was telling him about how 2 guys I dated had asked me to go to a wedding -- and that I was starting to get weirded out. Then, he says "oh, I might be next. I have a wedding to go to, too." I'm thinking he's totally kidding. Nope! He's headed down to Rio for a bachelor party, and that's the wedding for which he'll need a date. Before I got too creeped out, he explained to me that the wedding won't be until next year. So I won't count it. But still! When did I become everybody's backup date?!!?

Oh well...I guess there are worse problems to have, right? Think about it -- where there's a wedding, there is cake. And the only time I ever said no to free cake was when I didn't understand the question. ;)